


sometimes

by JAEMTOGRAPHY



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Na Jaemin-centric, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-19 06:07:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22673071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JAEMTOGRAPHY/pseuds/JAEMTOGRAPHY
Summary: but it’s fine, he thinks. no one needs to know that jaemin isn’t happy anymore.
Comments: 28
Kudos: 78





	sometimes

sometimes, late at night, he realizes he doesn’t love his job anymore. he’s all alone with these thoughts, nowhere to go, no one to talk to. he doesn't mind being left alone with his thoughts. they weren’t loud to begin with.

at least, that’s how he thought, at the beginning, yet right now? right now he wants nothing more than to spend time with his friends- after all, he’s missed them. he sees it in their eyes sometimes, the amount they still love this- dancing, singing, rapping, acting in front of cameras. jaemin’s so, so tired. 

he wishes that he hadn’t told the ceo he wanted to come back. younger him was so, so foolish, and he understands that now. the bright, hopeful eyes that once shone with happiness, replaced by worn eyes, almost as if jaemin was old, older than he was. he laughs at the irony of it all.

♡♡♡

jaemin remembers being 16, debuting with the dream team. it seems a lifetime away, now that he thinks of it. he remembers laughing with jeno about trivial things, holding mark hostage with donghyuck, he remembers meeting renjun and renjun’s tickles. he remembers the twinges of pain in his back.

yet, almost strangely, he wants to go back. he’d trade anything to go back to having a sore back, because he was happy back then. is he happy now? jaemin doesn’t know.

it’s strange how a year-and-a-half can take such a toll on how much you truly love something. he remembers going back to school, and loving learning again. he remembers his friends other than the dream team. 

he remembers lying to himself, about how many friends he had outside of DREAM. he remembers lying on the bed, wishing to be back in the dorms. 

he remembers, most of all, the bitter feeling that came up in his chest when dream got the first win for the group. jaemin picked up his phone and typed a congratulations- one of many, while he was on his break- ignoring the thank yous that came soon after.

he still remembers the feeling of being useless, as he came back. his back hurt- pain like that never went away, but he thought he was fine. he kept stumbling during rehearsal, vision hazy, exhausted. jaemin thought he was stronger than this. he’s not.

he remembers laughing off the worries, shrugging them off, when jisung asked about him. he was the elder, he was going to take care of the boy, since he’d been gone for so long. 

♡♡♡

jaemin missed the dream team so much, yet when he comes back, he doesn’t fit in.

♡♡♡

it seems like they’ve tried to fill in the missing hole where jaemin was, they’ve made it impossible for him to fit in again. he smiles, yet every time one of the dreamies ask another member to cook, or do something that jaemin used to do, they watch his smile wilt. eventually, it disappears altogether. 

they don’t notice.

it’s fine. he’s a good actor, he can play pretend when he needs to- not that he wants to. he smiles on camera, yet the second the camera’s off, he’s disappeared. no one knows where.

jaemin does. he remembers whenever he was done filming, he went back home, or to the studio. he wanted to be good again.

it doesn’t work out how he wants it to. his joints ache, his back is acting up again. he wants to cry, but he can’t. not when he’s almost there. 

that’s when everything else goes downhill. 

♡♡♡

donghyuck, his friend, accuses him of withdrawing. he accuses jaemin of not loving the job as much as he used to. that jaemin doesn’t care enough. (donghyuck’s not wrong.)

in the heat of the moment, it hurts. it hurts that donghyuck could think that lowly of him. that donghyuck doesn’t trust him, the boy he grew up with. jaemin cries that night, and when jisung doesn’t check on him, jaemin cries harder. 

♡♡♡

jaemin needs to be stronger, he tells himself that. he starts working out, never at the same time as any of the other nct members. jeno jokes about it. jeno says jaemin’s avoiding them.

jaemin smiles prettily and shakes his head. he says of course not. what else could he say? that he was?

it’s no surprise that everyone thinks that jaemin would lose to jeno, that one time during we go up promotions. they don’t see jaemin as strong. they remember the jaemin that killed his own back for a dream, that was stolen too quickly.

it’s surprising to see jaemin win. he’s never won before. he’s happy today.

he’s happy for once.

♡♡♡

happiness is fragile, he realizes, shortly after. he’s in the studio again. renjun got mad this time. jaemin doesn’t understand why. jaemin’s just working hard. he’s just trying to be as good as everyone else, yet everyone gets mad at him. he just wants to be good at something, again.

jaemin doesn’t go home that night. 

jaemin doesn’t want to dance anymore, he tells himself, as he drags himself through yet another repetition. he doesn’t know when happiness slipped through his fingers, but he thinks bitterly of the word now. he sees the others playing around, as jaemin drinks his water.

jaemin just wants to fit in again. 

that’s what he wanted to do after the hiatus. he wanted to fit in, he didn’t want to be treated differently, yet here he was, getting ignored, time and time again. jaemin doesn’t mind it anymore. he doesn’t mind it when jisung asks renjun or donghyuck to cook instead of him. he likes the silence. 

jaemin appreciates it now. 

jaemin imagines what life would be like, if he had just stayed at home. he thinks he’d be happier. maybe he could be happier. jaemin doesn’t know anymore. he just wants to fit in.

it’s this overwhelming desire that leads to a confrontation between him and jeno. his best friend, someone jaemin used to be always with. jeno had told him that maybe it was good that jaemin had stayed away for so long, and jaemin, jaemin had laughed in his face and said jeno was just glad that jaemin wasn’t there. 

jeno said that maybe he was. 

jaemin can’t back down from a challenge. 

it’s weird, the following week, everyone walking around him, like they’re tip toeing around on eggshells. jaemin wants to scream that he’s normal. that he’s fine. 

jaemin isn’t.

jaemin isn’t the perfect boy the fans think that he is. jaemin isn’t the loving member that the fans think he is. jaemin isn’t the happy boy who wandered into the sm building everyday. jaemin isn’t who he used to be.

but it’s fine, he thinks. no one needs to know that jaemin isn’t happy anymore. 

he thinks he’s fine now. sometimes he looks at the other dreamies and he wonders why he can’t be happy, but he realizes that it’s not for everyone. he’s fine now with staying behind late, with the others leaving him alone.

**Author's Note:**

> [ writing twt](https://twitter.com/galacticjaem)   
>  [ cc!](https://curiouscat.me/jaemyang)
> 
> comments pls i beg


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